


Now You Know Me (And I'm Not Afraid)

by agoddamnsupernova



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coming Out, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Misgendering, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Tonks, Other, Self-Acceptance, They just go by Tonks in this whole thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-02-05 04:12:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12786711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agoddamnsupernova/pseuds/agoddamnsupernova
Summary: This is a very personal story for me, I hope you enjoy reading it.





	1. A Question to the World

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very personal story for me, I hope you enjoy reading it.

They’d known since their first day at Hogwarts, when their birth name echoed across the halls, announcing it was their turn to be sorted. That soon to be familiar shiver of discomfort sliding up their spine as they walked to the front of the hall.  _ Nymphadora _ . “It’s Tonks,” they murmured as they sat down, feeling oddly comforted when the old hat was lowered onto their head. 

“ _ Hufflepuff!”  _ Was shouted from it’s ripped seam of a mouth as soon as it had come in contact with the top of their now flaming red hair. 

It’d been easy, being a Hufflepuff, everyone was so kind, so understanding when they’d mentioned how much they hated their name and when the time came that they explained that they did not feel like a girl, their housemates did all they could do to help. 

They didn’t have a word for it then, didn’t have the language to put a label on how they felt. Then one day, they’re sitting in the den at Grimmauld Place, listening to Hermione chatter on about a muggleborn student who had come out as nonbinary a few days prior. 

“Nonbinary?” Tonks finds themself asking, curiosity lacing their words as they sit forward in the old chair they had been inhabiting for the last few hours. 

“Yes, it means that they don’t fit into the ‘gender binary’, so they are neither a boy or a girl,” Hermione explains, shifting so she can focus her full attention on Tonks. 

“I mean, they just look like a butch lesbian to me,” Ron mumbled, earning a smack on the arm from Hermione. “What?”

“It doesn’t matter what they look like, it’s not about what you or anyone else thinks or feels,” Hermione snaps out, eyes narrowing at the ginger. “They dress and present however feels most comfortable.” 

Tonks takes in the exchange silently, biting the inside of their cheek when Hermione directs her attention back to them. “So, could we talk more about-” They start, only to be cut off when Sirius walks into the room. 

“Tonks, Madeye is downstairs to pick you up for patrol,” He says, looking tired behind the eyes. “Stay safe tonight.” 

Tonk forces a smile on their face as they stand up, trying not to feel too disappointed. “I’ll do my best,” they reply, clapping his shoulder as they walk past. 

They spend the whole night mulling over the bit of information they had gotten from Hermione, trying and failing to focus on the actual task at hand. “Nonbinary...” they breathe out, shaking their head when Moody shoots them a look. 

“Get your head out of the clouds, lass,” He grunts, his electric blue eye swiveling in it's socket. 

His usual pet name sits heavy on their chest tonight, something about the implication of being a woman making them squirm slightly. “Could you not call me lass?” They ask softly, eyes flickering toward their boots. 

Madeye pauses a moment, looking at his protege before he grunts out something close to an acknowledgement. “What would you prefer?” He asks, his usual gruffness gone. 

“I-I don’t know, just not lass, okay?” They reply, looking up to meet the old man’s eyes. “Maybe try lad? I don’t know.” 

“Alright,  _ lad,”  _ He says, turning his head away from the young auror. “Try to stay focused, we need to--”

“Stay ever vigilant,” Tonks finishes with a slight smile, their chest warm from the soft show of acceptance from their mentor. 

“--smartass,” He replies, shaking his head before he’s limping off toward their next checkpoint. 

Tonks is feeling slightly better by the time they get back to headquarters, their feet barely dragging as they head up the stairs. They’re a bit a disappointed to find that Hermione was in bed, the desire to learn more burning in their chest. 

They do their best to follow suit, stripping down to their pajamas before heading into the bathroom to brush their teeth, finding themself staring into the cracked mirror, searching for something that wasn’t there. “What feels comfortable...” they murmur, closing their eyes to search deep inside themself. 

They can feel their features shifting slowly, morphing into someone new. “Wow,” they breathe out, examining their newly formed features. 

They’re a little more masculine now, their jaw a little sharper, their chest flat, but their eyes are still the same dark blue they had always been when they were relaxed. The familiarity comforts them as they run a hand through their cropped hair, the color shifting from purple to red and back again as they smile. 

“That’s me...” They murmur softly, brushing their fingers against the reflection before their hands are sliding across their own features. “This is me.” 

After what feels like hours of processing how it feels, being comfortable in their own skin, they head out of the washroom and toward their room, freezing when a door opens as they pass. “Tonks?” Hermione rasps out, rubbing her tired eyes. 

“Er...” They turn slowly, facing their younger friend with a slight smile. “Yeah...” 

Hermione takes in their new look, a smile crawling onto her lips. “You look good,” she compliments, pushing her bushing hair from her face. “I’m assuming you came to some revelations tonight?” 

Tonks rubs the back of their neck, smiling sheepishly. “I mean...I guess that’s one way to put it,” they reply softly, shrugging their shoulders a bit. “I’ve always felt like being a girl wasn’t right but I never had language to describe how I felt.” 

“Until tonight?” Hermione asks, brows raised as she leans against the door frame. “Is that what you were going to ask about before Madeye came to get you?”

Tonks nods slowly, snorting softly. “Can’t get anything passed you,” they chuckle, biting their lip. “Truly are the brightest witch of your age.” 

Hermione rolls her eyes at that, glancing at her watch for a moment. “You should get to bed,” she says softly, watching the auror’s hair grow red in the dim light. “We can talk more tomorrow.” 

Tonks opens their mouth to argue that Hermione should also be in bed, but thinks better of it. “Alright, goodnight Hermione.”

“Sleep well, Tonks,” Hermione smiles, shaking her head a bit as she turns to head back into her shared room. 

“Thanks for this,” Tonks murmurs softly as the door clicks shut, their chest feeling full to the brim with warmth. 


	2. A Moment that's Held in Your Arms

The smell of hot cocoa is how Tonks wakes up, their eyes flickering open to find Hermione setting a small tray on their end table. “Morning,” they yawn, sitting up slowly.

“Good morning,” Hermione replied softly, looking a little sheepish. “Sorry if this is weird, I just thought you’d be more comfortable this way.”

Tonks smiles a bit, running a hand through their cropped hair. “It’s not weird, it’s actually really nice. Can’t remember the last time a pretty girl woke me up with something hot to drink.”

This causes Hermione to blush furiously, clearing her throat as she grabs a mug of hot chocolate for herself before sitting cross legged at the end of Tonks’ bed. “We didn’t get to talk yesterday so I thought I would give you a chance while everyone is still getting around for the day.”

Tonks sits up slowly, stretching their arms above their head, a small sound escaping their lips as their back pops. “I appreciate it,” Tonks murmurs, readjusting their shirt before grabbing their own mug. “Would you tell me more about being nonbinary?”

Hermione smiles softly, taking a sip of her drink before tipping her head back to look at the cracked ceiling. “Well, there isn’t just one concrete definition because nonbinary is kind of an umbrella term for anyone that is gender nonconforming. So, anyone that doesn’t identify within the gender binary,” she recites as though she had been researching the term for weeks.

“Nonbinary is this nice little bubble in the transgender community for people somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and there’s different terms for people who feel different ways but they can all still be classified under the umbrella term of nonbinary,” Hermione shrugs, shifting her focus back on Tonks. “But there are people who think that you have to look a certain way to be nonbinary but that’s just not true, you are who you are, no matter what.”

“So, nothing really changes for me then? I can just be me?” They ask softly, their thumb constantly running across the ceramic in their hands. They want to ask more, but they’re already feeling a little overwhelmed with all of the terms Hermione had blurted out.

“Of course,” Hermione smiles warmly, poking her wand at one of the marshmallow spiders on the tray causing it to float across the distance, it’s legs unfurling slowly. The enchanted sweet lands on her wrist, making a sort of chirp before crawling its way into the hot drink.

Tonks watches the whole interaction with a warm smile, shaking their head a bit as the treat starts to swim around Hermione’s mug. “Can’t believe you found marshmallow spiders in this house, Sirius is known to gobble up sweets.”

“I actually gave Molly some money for them when she went to get groceries with Arthur last night,” Hermione chuckles softly, biting her lip. “I just wanted to be able to cheer you up a little, you seemed sort of glum yesterday.”

Tonks rubs the back of their neck, shrugging a bit. “I’ve been down a lot lately, listening to everyone call me a girl and you know the occasional Nymphadora...it’s just been a lot,” they murmur, setting their mug on the tray once more. “But, on the brightside, when Moody and I were out last night, he called me lass and I told him it bothered me and he switched to lad and...I dunno, it felt really good.”

Hermione practically lights up the room with the grin on her face as she all but bounces on the end of the bed. “That’s great!”

Tonks chuckles at that, leaning back against their pillows. “I suppose the next bit is telling people, huh?”

Hermione shrugs a bit, finishing off her drink before answering. “I mean, that’s up to you. Tell anyone you want obviously, but you are under no obligation to.”

Tonks smiles softly, their hair slowly turning a nice shade of blue as they finally decide it's time to get around for the day. “I want everyone here to know, well maybe not Snape, but you know, everyone else.”

“I can be there with you, if you’d like,” Hermione says softly, biting her lip a bit. “I just want to offer support, but I’d understand if you want to do it on your own.”

Tonks can’t help but shift closer to her, taking the girl’s hands in their own. “Of course I want you to be there, if it wasn’t for you I might never have figured out who I am.”

Hermione smiles brightly at them and Tonks swears they feel a spark of magic flow their connected hands. “I’m sure you would have figured it out eventually, the magical world is a bit behind on the times, but you’re very smart, I think you would have found the information without me.”

They roll their eyes, leaning forward to press a quick kiss to Hermione’s forehead before pulling away completely. “You’re so stubborn,” Tonks chuckles, leaning back against the pillows again, reaching for a marshmallow spider of their own.

Hermione’s cheeks are about as red as a Weasley’s hair as she tries to come up with anything smart to say but can only focus on the way Tonks lets the confectionary crawl across their hands.

They sit in a comfortable silence for a short while before there’s a thudding knock at the door, Ginny’s voice coming from the other side. “Mum says breakfast will be finished soon and that if you want food you had best come down soon.”

“Alright!” Tonks shouts, placing the sweet back on the tray, leaving the thing looking a tad disappointed as it curls up once more. “Shit, do you think anyone’s going to react badly?” They ask, shoving themself off of the bed as anxiety crawls across their skin.

Hermione watches Tonks pace the room, their hair shifting to a sort of neon green as they chatter on about not thinking things through. “Tonks, stop.”

There’s something in the witch’s tone that has the metamorphmagus stopping in their tracks. “I just...what if they don’t understand?”

Hermione pushes off the bed and approaches Tonks calmly, taking their hands in her own gently. “I’m sure some of them won’t understand, but they all care about you. So, while I think it will take adjusting to, I really do think that this is all going to be okay,” she says softly, looking up at Tonks. “However, you don’t have to come out today, this is all about you and when you’re comfortable enough to do so.”

“But I look different now,” Tonks says softly, swallowing hard. “I just...what if this was a bad idea?”

“It is never a bad idea to be yourself, Tonks,” Hermione says softly, rubbing her thumb against the back of their hands. “You don’t have to come out to them, but you also don’t have to hide. You can look however you want, but you’re still Tonks and they know that.”

“Sure, Ronald might open his fat mouth about your appearance, but it’ll be less about the change and more about him being a nosy prat,” she chuckles softly then, squeezing Tonks’ hands softly. “And no matter what, you’ve got me, okay?”

Tonks takes a deep breath after than, letting their muscles relax as they exhale. Their hair slowly starts to fade back into the blue from earlier. “Thank you,” they murmur out, taking a moment to just soak in the warmth that is Hermione before they pull away. “Go get breakfast, I’ll be down shortly.”

Hermione nods, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Okay,” she smiles warmly as she backs up toward the door. “And remember, just be yourself,” she hums before disappearing out into the hall.

“Be myself,” they nod to themself before turning to their wardrobe. They settle for a pair of jeans, a tank top and a hooded pullover they had found in a muggle shopping mall. “Do you believe in magic?” They chuckle softly, running their hands over the print on the front of the garment.

They had thought it was a clever little thing to buy at the time, giving them something to chuckle at when other wizards look at it with confusion. Right now though, they were hoping it would work as a tangent should they need it.

After a moment of hesitation, they slip their boots on and head downstairs, the smell of bacon permeating the air. Their nerves came back in waves as they got closer to the kitchen, the butterflies in their stomach only dying down when Tonks walks in and sees Hermione sat down with Ginny, a free seat beside her.

“Wotcher,” Tonks says to the room as they move to sit next to Hermione, doing their best to keep their breathing even.

“Morning Tonks, did you manage to get any sleep after patrol?” Molly asks, her back to the table as she finishes up the cooking.

“A little, yeah, I’m usually exhausted by the end of the night, so I basically collapsed once I got to bed,” They reply, reaching across the table to grab a jug of juice, knocking over the stack of toast in the process. “Shit.”

“Language, dear,” Molly tuts, turning to assess what damages had been done, righting the stack with a simple swish of her wand. “At least you didn’t break anything,” the older woman teases, offering Tonks a warm smile.

There’s something behind the motherly look that has Tonks feeling calmer, especially when Molly compliments their hair. “Thanks,” they breathe out, nearly jumping when they feel Hermione brush her fingers against their elbow.

Tonks glances over at her, finding that gigawatt smile on her face. They can’t help but smile back before pouring themself a glass of orange juice, carefully setting the jug back.

“You look a little different today, Tonks, trying out a new style?” Ron asks, piling food onto his plate as soon as it's on the table.

“I guess you could say that,” they reply, settling for a piece of toast and some scrambled eggs, allowing the teenagers to take their fill. “I just wanted to be a bit more comfortable.”

“I like it,” Harry says before stuffing an entire egg into his mouth.

“You’d think you boys hadn’t eaten in weeks,” Tonks snorts, scooping some eggs onto their toast before taking a small bite.

“Leave them be, they’re growing boys,” Molly chuckles, sitting herself down next to Ron.

“Oh yeah, they can eat like pigs because they’re boys, but I try that and I get scolded,” Ginny mutters, spreading jam on her toast. “It’s always ‘ladies don’t eat like that,” or some junk like that.”  
  
This makes Tonks laugh and Molly sigh but before any more can be said, Sirius and Remus appear in the doorway, looking a bit more tired than usual. No one has to ask why, everyone in the manor had basically had the entire lunar calendar taught to them until they (roughly) knew when the full moons were.

“Let me get you boys a plate,” Molly says as soon as the men are sat down, swishing her wand before they can protest.

In a matter of moments, both of them have a plate packed full of food sat in front of them. Tonks frowns a bit at the shade of green Remus turned at the sight of the food, opening their mouth to speak up, only to have Sirius interrupt them.

“We appreciate this very greatly, Molly, don’t get me wrong, but Remus usually can’t eat the night after,” Sirius says softly, reaching over to gently shove the plate of food toward Ron. “A nice cup of tea will be more than enough.”

“I know it’s difficult, but I really think getting calories into him is a good thing,” Molly says in that motherly tone that is so hard to say no to and yet that’s exactly what Sirius does.

“I think I would know better, considering I’ve been helping him through this for years,” Sirius says, his tone a bit firmer.

“Yes, well  _I_  am a mother and I think I know a thing or two more about taking care of people,” She replies, her tone a little too sickly sweet.

“Quite frankly, I don’t think being a mother qualifies you to put your two knuts where it isn’t wanted,” He shoots back, starting to stand up from his chair, Molly doing the same from across the table.

Tonks catches Remus looking rather uncomfortable between the pair, perhaps feeling unable to interrupt considering the subject matter of the argument and before Tonks can stop themself, they’re blurting out the only thing they can think of into the tense space.

“I’m nonbinary!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy about the response this fic has gotten so far. This project is very much a personal thing for me and seeing people enjoy and relate to this...it means the world. Thank you so much. 
> 
> To clear up a few things that people might be confused about, this does't take place in the 90's, mostly because the language for nonbinary people wasn't as big of a thing then and like the movies don't take place in the 90's and there's a few elements from the late 00's I want to include in this for a few plot details. If this isn't your thing, I apologize, but like I said this is a very personal project and I'm going to do it my way. That being said, this takes place about two months before the D.A is created in Order of the Phoenix. 
> 
> I've also aged Tonks down by a few years and by the end of the fic they'll be turning 20 and Hermione will be turning 17. It makes me more comfortable as a writer and just in general to have a smaller age gap. There will also be lengthy discussions between the two characters about age when the time comes, so again, if this isn't something you're comfortable with, I apologize and I won't feel a bit offended if you choose not to read the story. 
> 
> Now that I've rambled on for a good while, I'll just say thank you one more time and let you know that if there's anything you'd like to discuss about the story, you can find me at agoddamnsupernova.tumblr.com.


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